Time management is not the answer

Hour glass and calendar concept for time slipping away for important appointment date, schedule and deadline

This week’s blog post was prompted by a question in a Facebook group. I’d been talking about the coaching I offer to women looking for better work-life balance. A colleague in the group asked whether I offer time management training and my short answer was no.

I’m a great fan of the concept of time management and over the years I’ve played with a number of systems until I hit upon the ones that suited me. However, when it comes to finding work life balance, time management is not the place to start.

Time management is a means of managing what you’re doing. To find balance you first need to decide who you’re being.

First you must define your roles

As a working mother you’re playing two different roles: mother and worker. These can sometimes be at odds with each other; and make varying demands on your time, energy and attention. In an ideal world the two roles would remain separate, but even pre-pandemic we weren’t operating in an ideal world. There are periods when your time and attention should be on work, but if you’re working at home and trying to manage kids as well there is bound to be a bleed of roles.

To go even further, it may be that you’re feeling mummy guilt at having to work when they’re around and the ‘perfect mother’ will be giving them all her attention. Whatever your circumstances you must first define what ‘good enough’ means to you. What is a good enough mother and what is a good enough worker? Have you defined these two roles for yourself or bought into scripts defined by others?

It’s only when you know what matters to you; and what the important tasks are in both roles that you can begin to work on a time management system to achieve them.

Then you must decide where your boundaries lie

You may prefer to keep work and family life separate. Or you may – through choice or current circumstances – feel the best approach is to integrate them. Either way, establishing where your boundaries lie is important. Without boundaries work and home life bleed into each other. As human beings we’re not physically capable of giving our full attention to both roles at once.

Time management systems are great for clearly identifying which task (and they’re generally work tasks) to prioritise. They’re not so good at defining how to balance priorities between work and home.

Finally you must recognise the emotional pressures

Many time management systems use a four quadrant assessment grid that moves from urgent and important all the way to not urgent and unimportant. They can be very useful in deciding which tasks to focus on at work in order to achieve your key outputs. They‘re not so useful at home.

Time management systems tend ignore the emotional pull that comes with many parenting tasks. Nor do they consider how to take a longer term approach to how roles change as lives develop. For that you need to go deeper.

So the longer explanation for my Facebook colleague is:

No I don’t teach time management. It’s a necessary life skill and one I would encourage everyone to develop. Find a system that suits you – there’s plenty of advice on the internet. But don’t get mislead into thinking that time management is a panacea which will solve your work-life balance challenges.

Why work life balance matters

As we enter the second half of the year and lockdown restrictions continue to ease it’s a good moment for a quick reminder of why work-life balance matters. This week I’ve summarised the argument in three succinct points:

1. Work-life balance is important for physical and mental wellbeing.

For the past few years employers have shown a growing interest in mental health at work. It’s a complex topic that often requires clinical support. Nevertheless, the evidence is clear that conflict between our work and family roles creates stress and has a negative impact on our wellbeing. It’s important that employers embrace this fact and put in place a policy of support for good work-life balance. It’s equally as important that we all recognise the need to manage our boundaries in an increasingly boundaryless world.

Psychologists talk in terms of our finite physical, mental and emotional resources. When these are depleted we experience burnout and need time to recover. We can become exhausted by putting too much time or attention into either our work or family role. We can also become exhausted by the sheer mental effort of trying to address both effectively. Everyone should have a strategy for finding and maintaining the balance that suits their personal needs.

2. Good work-life balance makes us more productive and engaged at work; and supports career progression.

A wealth of research evidence confirms that good work-life balance results in both increased productivity at work and better employee engagement. As the latter is directly connected to customer satisfaction it suggests happier employees are likely to result in happier customers. We should also keep in mind that our non-work activities often enhance our working lives. Play, for example, is a great way of stimulating creativity.

Equally as important is research evidence showing that mothers in particular are holding back careers due to work-life balance concerns. The working world needs more women in all sectors and at all levels. Yet women are reluctant to put themselves forward for promotion when all they can see is a work-life struggle that’s likely to get worse. Supporting work-life balance may not be the full answer to fixing gender pay gaps; but a considerable number of experts have recommended better access to flexible working as a key part of the solution.

3. Nobody on their deathbed regretted not spending more time at the office.

Work is undeniably an important part of life. It pays the bills and helps us define who we are. But it’s also increasingly coming to dominate other parts of our lives; and we are all more than just our work. Indeed for some people their work role is likely to be less significant than other roles they play – such as being a parent or contributing to their community. As we go through life we will have many jobs and some of our colleagues will become lifelong friends. But we also find support from our families and communities. They can provide a fall back when work is precarious (which is likely to be the case for many people in the current circumstances). And as I pointed out at the start of this year, wishing they had worked more is not among the top five regrets of the dying.

As we slowly make our way towards a ‘new normal’ we have an unprecedented opportunity to fashion it into a more balanced way of living and working. Let’s keep that focus this week.

Rebalancing 2020: mid-year review

We’re at week 26: mid-way through the year and always a good time to review and adjust plans. In work-life balance terms it’s been an unprecedented year. After decades of workers asking for remote working; employers were finally forced to accede since lockdown meant they had few other options.

At the same time the risks of #AlwaysOn working increased as home and work lives meshed. Meshing also added to the mental load for many women when invisible caring responsibilities clashed with overt workplace demands.

Going forward, there seems to be a majority consensus that things will not be the same. The power to determine how different they become lies with all of us. But as they say “If you don’t know where you’re going you’re likely to end up somewhere else”.

This week let’s take the opportunity to pause, review and decide where we’re going with our work-life balance by answering three questions:

1. Where have your work-life balance challenges increased?

For example, the media has been reporting that pressures on women have escalated as social expectations collided with workplace reality. The lack of access to childcare has resulted in an increase in guilt for many working mothers who’ve found it challenging to carry out either their parenting or workplace role satisfactorily.

Outdated gender stereotypes have apparently resurfaced in lockdown; with many men assuming their job takes priority over that of their wives. Coupled with a lack of clear performance goals this has resulted in large numbers of women struggling to find time for both work and family. Much of the guidance around how to be an efficient remote worker has been gender blind, failing to acknowledge that women shoulder much of the burden of unpaid (and generally invisible) care and household tasks.

On the work front many of us have struggled to become proficient in the technologies that facilitate remote working; and have ended up exhausted after endless video meetings (which typically require a deeper level of concentration than live interactions). And the risks of #AlwaysOn working have been exacerbated.

2. Where has your work-life balance improved?

Conversely many of us have also seen benefits to the new ways of working. It could be the lack of commute (which eats into our time and often adds to our stress levels). Or the lack of distraction from co-workers. Perhaps you’ve learnt to schedule your time more effectively, or found joy in being able to spend more time with your partner and children.

3. What small adjustments can you make going forward to regain your balance?

The past few months have been an opportunity for many of us to reconsider what’s important; and to reflect on the adjustments we can make to find better work-life balance.

What has lockdown taught you about your own preferences, what’s important for you and what needs to change now to rebalance as we embrace the ‘new normal’?

What small steps can you take this week to move forward into a balanced new future?

Ready to redesign your job?

In the UK we’re just entered month three of pandemic lockdown; and until restrictions are lifted and kids return to school we’re gradually adjusting to our ‘temporary new normal’. Two months in we can reflect on opportunities and challenges brought about by changing circumstances. A key thing for many of us has been the recognition that working from home in current conditions means adapting our previous working practices. We’ve learnt what works and what doesn’t. Now’s the time to consider redesigning your job.

In her Alec Rodger Memorial Lecture two years ago Professor Eva Demerouti identified four quadrants of jobs. There are those with low job demands and low resources, which lead to apathy; while those with low demands and high resources result in boredom. Many of us, however, are currently in the third quadrant where we face high demands with low resources; and we’re at risk of burnout. We must move ourselves to quadrant four where high demands are supported by high resources. This is where engagement, satisfaction and wellbeing reside.

Resources are all the things that make us feel more supported and more capable of doing our work. Some – such as external childcare – are currently not open to us; but others are still available. It may have taken us some time to recognise what resources we lack in the new landscape. It could be training on how to navigate technology more efficiently, better feedback from our manager or more support from colleagues. When we focus on making these adjustments for ourselves the small steps add up. A common approach is job crafting.

The concept of job crafting was developed by Professors Amy Wrzesniewski and Jane E Dutton. It focuses on the proactive, bottom up approach employees take to adjust their jobs; and it has three aspects. The first, task crafting, is about changing the scope, number and type of tasks that make up a job. The second, relational crafting, is about making improvements by altering the balance of interactions with stakeholders. And the third, cognitive crafting is about reframing how we see those tasks and relationships. Research suggests the best results occur when people use all three together.

You can use the job crafting framework to identify and access more resources; and to reduce the physical and mental demands of your job. The focus is on working smarter rather than harder. Consider the following questions:

• What are the key tasks I should focus on right now? The ones that will move my job and my employer’s business forward? What are the tasks that take up lots of time with little or no reward? Can I drop these (even if just for now)?
• Where do I become frustrated in my interactions with others? How might I improve these interactions? Are there people who can help me progress my work more effectively: and am I making best use of their skills and knowledge?
• How do I currently think about my job? Am I angry and resentful, simply trying to hold on until things improve when I might quit and find more satisfying work? Or am I seeing this as a learning experience and a stepping stone on the path to a more fulfilling career?

According to professor Demerouti job crafting activities rise during periods of change as people embrace the need to adapt. For those not willing to redesign their jobs there’s a higher risk of burnout. This week, take some time to jot down the small adjustments you can make that will lead to you feeling more in control.

To #rebalance 2020 are you ready to redesign you job?

ReBalancing the chaos #2

Last week’s blog shared two key strategies to help you regain a semblance of balance as we adjust to new ways of living and working. This week I consider two more things that can support better balance: avoiding role confusion and using positive psychology to get what you need.

How to avoid ‘role confusion’

Let’s start with an explanation. Social scientists often talk about the multiple roles we all play and the expectations (scripts) that surround them. Two key roles for many of us are parent and employee (or worker). In the normal course of events those roles remain relatively separate. We do our work at work; or within designated work hours if we opt to work remotely. And we carry out our parenting role mostly when we our children are with us.

Of course there is some overlap. Many parents struggle during school holidays and virtually everyone has navigated working while tending to a sick child. The problem is the expectations surrounding both roles often come into conflict. It’s hard to be a model (work focused) employee if you’re also trying to sort out your child’s schooling or worrying about their health. Conversely it can be challenging to feel you’re a good parent when work expects long hours or business calls in the evening. All of this is not ideal; but in more normal circumstances it’s often possible to put boundaries around the two roles and focus on one at a time.

Keeping roles separate in the new order is much more challenging. As they bleed into each other we can end up confused and feel we’re performing both roles poorly.. Which can have a negative impact on our self-esteem. Once you understand this is happening it becomes easier to reduce the mental conflict and manage the circumstances. It’s often possible to negotiate with work colleagues: explaining there are times when you need to be in parent mode and therefore unavailable for work calls or online meetings. It’s also OK to say: “we may be interrupted if my child suddenly needs me. If that happens I’ll reschedule this call/online meeting as quickly as possible.” We need to redefine what ‘professional’ looks like.

How to use positive psychology to get what you need

Navigating the new circumstances involves adapting our own behaviour and encouraging those around us to do the same. Harnessing positive psychology improves our chances of getting what we need. A positive approach to change identifies what might be possible and encourages more of it when it occurs. As the saying goes: the behaviour that’s rewarded is the behaviour that continues.

To get what we need we must first of all have clarity on what that looks like; and how we will know when we have it. It sounds pretty obvious, but what exactly does “I need more help with the children” or “I need some quiet time to write this report” look like in practice? For instance, does help with the children mean keeping them amused for an hour? Feeding them? Getting them to bed? The more specific you are in what your needs look like, the easier it becomes for others to help. Getting help may also mean relinquishing some of the expectations you have around the role of parent.

You can use positive psychology to reinforce the behaviour you want from those around you by asking yourself:

When do I already see the behaviour I want happening and how can I encourage more of it?

Above all else be gentle with yourself and ohters. The current situation is challenging our mental models around how we expect to integrate work into our lives: which is both disorientating and tiring. We will emerge from this with a ‘new normal’ but it’s too early to say what that will look like. Personally I’m holding onto the vision that it will lead more people to put in structures for a more balanced life.

Work-life conflict or work-life enrichment?

Becoming a parent changes our perceptions of ourselves. A new responsibility has been thrust upon us; and for mothers in particular it often seems that this is at odds with the requirements of their career. In my book I write about ‘man made’ workplaces: cultures and practices established over half a century ago when the ideal worker was a man able to focus solely on work while his non-working wife provided support.

Despite changing social expectations and the fact that the majority of women now also work outside the home this ‘man made’ culture is still prevalent in many workplaces. The result is what researchers have termed ‘work-life conflict’ which happens for a number of reasons. For example, a woman returning from maternity leave may find that cultural expectations of what it means to be professional are at odds with her new role as a mother. We can’t simply drop childcare (or for that matter elder or other family care) at the front door when we enter our workplace.

As we find ourselves living and working in an increasingly #AlwaysOn culture we also find that work is more likely than ever to interrupt our non-work time (and vice versa). Where should our priorities lie? And how do we set them?

The opposite of work-life conflict is work-life enrichment. It’s the upside of being a working parent. Our working life enriches our parental experience and we often find that skills we learn as parents (such as the ability to negotiate or set boundaries) serve us well in the workplace. The secret lies in making small adjustments that increase enrichment and reduce conflict. We can do this by reconsidering how we play our parental and employee roles; by identifying where those old expectations came from and by asking ourselves whether they are helpful to us.

Research has shown that focusing on how the two parts of our life can enrich each other can make us feel better than when we consider work and life to be in conflict. To increase that feeling of enrichment consider taking some of the following actions:

1. Set and maintain your boundaries. You’ll be more present to the people in your life – both at home and at work – and feel better as a result;
2. Remind yourself that as a working mother you’re setting an example to your children of what’s possible for women. (We are, after all, at the start of the third decade of the 21^st century!);
3. Talk to your children about the work you do. Share both the upsides and the downsides. You’ll be making a start on preparing them for later life when they begin thinking about careers;
4. Share your experiences (and best tips) with other parents in your workplace who are at an earlier point on the journey. In my experience most mothers value role models who’ve ‘been there and done that’.

Finding ways to combine the positive aspects of both roles is more likely to leave us feeling that our lives are enriched.

For many people a key factor in finding that balance is working flexibly. This is such an important factor in reducing work-life conflict that I plan to focus on it in upcoming blogs during the month of February. Stay with me on the journey.

Feeling like an Imposter?

Imposter syndrome is a phrase that’s often bandied about in the media; the suggestion being that it’s a key roadblock to women’s career success. Often conflated with poor self-esteem and one’s ‘inner critic’ true imposter syndrome is rare and affects both men and women equally. To grow into Balanced Leaders it’s important we understand what Imposter syndrome really is: not least because research has shown it can contribute to work-family conflict.

Imposter syndrome – or more accurately impostor phenomenon – was first identified by two American Psychologists back in 1978. It’s defined by six clear characteristics: feelings of intellectual phoniness; a belief that one’s success is attributed to luck or hard work and not ability; a lack of confidence in one’s ability to repeat past achievements; a fear of being evaluated by others and failure; the inability to derive pleasure from past achievements and a fear that one’s incompetence will be discovered by others.

It’s quite possible to feel like an imposter without suffering from imposter syndrome. Doing our best to appear competent in a professional role and also be a good parent can lead to feelings that we’re not achieving either – that we’ll be found out as a fraud. Often that’s a consequence of having little clarity in what’s expected of us in both our workplace and home roles. We take on the expectations of others and try to live up to them. Perhaps it’s time to re-consider and write our own role scripts.

Our feelings of being an imposter can be exacerbated by the complexities inherent in the modern workplace; and which increasingly call on us to navigate circumstances we’ve never before encountered. As women we know we’re likely to be judged harshly should we make a mistake; so it’s important that we connect with our inner power and grow ourselves into the leaders we want to become.

Research has shown that our feelings of being an imposter can lead to emotional exhaustion which in turn can result in work to family conflict. This happens when we feel that playing our family role is made more difficult by the demands of our work role. Psychologists explain this by talking about the Conservation of Resources. Each of us has finite physical and psychological resources and we do our best to guard these. When we feel like an imposter we are likely to expend more of these resources in order to do a good job, leaving us depleted during our family time.

The good news is research has also shown that when we feel supported by our employer we are less likely to suffer the damaging effects of feeling like an imposter. So we can help ourselves by:

• Asking our manager to clearly define the outcomes expected of us;
• Asking for the resources we need to be effective in our work;
• Identifying what gets in the way of us achieving our workplace objectives and doing our best to eliminate those obstacles.

At the heart of the imposter phenomenon lies a deep-seated and flawed self-image constructed over many years. Changing that self-image is likely to require psychological support from someone qualified to help. But feeling like an imposter some of the time is almost inevitable as we navigate life’s challenges and changes. In all likelihood you’re not suffering from a syndrome; you’re simply experiencing the normal doubts and uncertainties that go with undertaking something new. The good news is you’re more than capable of resolving those doubts and uncertainties; and taking the necessary action that will get you to where you want to be.

Better balance in 2019

The days leading up to the start of a new year are traditionally the time to set resolutions that will in some way improve our lives. And in 2019 resolving to improve our work-life balance is more essential than ever before.

Recent research conducted by my colleagues from the Work-Life Balance working group revealed that as the UK battles the inexorable trend towards an #AlwaysOn workplace culture less than half of employers have a work life balance policy or provide any guidelines on switching off from technology. So it seems that if we want better balance we’ll need to take control of it ourselves. My new book – which walks you through the process of developing your own balanced arrangement – will not be published until the spring. In the meantime here are three simple principles that will support you in having a more balanced life in 2019.

1. Know where to draw the line. That’s the boundary line between work and the rest of your life. Traditionally work-life balance researchers have grouped people into separators who like to keep work separate from the rest of their lives; and integrators who prefer to combine the two. In reality it’s two ends of a continuum. So while modern life increasingly demands integration a degree of separation can aid recovery from life’s stresses and lead to improved well-being. That might mean deciding to have one ‘non-work’ day at the weekend to devote to family; or perhaps agreeing not to check emails and text messages for a couple of hours around family mealtimes. Uninterrupted time with loved ones enables us to be more fully present so we enjoy their company and connect more deeply.

What would suit you? Choose where you draw the line – and resolve to stick to it in 2019.

2. Re-write the rules. I’m talking about the rules which govern the way we play the key roles of parent and worker. Everybody has their own opinion of what makes a good mother or father; of what it means to be a professional; of what makes a dedicated and ambitious employee. You’ll never meet the sum total of those expectations – so set your own instead. What will make you feel you’re doing a good job as a parent? Your children’s needs will change as they grow and mature. And there will come a point when they will fly the nest altogether: which will give you more scope to focus on other aspects of your life such as work. In the meantime what will make you feel you’re keeping control of your career? Do you want to work less hours? Or simply have the flexibility to work around family needs?

Again, the choice is yours. Set your own markers of success and ignore the judgements of others.

3. Work intelligently. Whatever your current workload there’s always scope for reducing the amount of time you devote to low value activities. Can you automate or even eliminate these? For example, a coaching client of mine faced a daily mountain of emails from people who saw her as the quickest route to resolving their workplace issues. Then she got involved in a high priority project which meant letting her emailers know she would not be responding for a fortnight. At the end of that period her email load had reduced by almost 80% as people found ways of resolving their dilemmas elsewhere. As a consequence she found she had more time to focus on the high value elements of her job without the constant email interruptions.

So what are the high value tasks in your work? What’s getting in the way of you doing them? And how can you reduce or eliminate those obstacles?

Three simple principles that can be implemented in small steps; and will lead to better balance in 2019.

Trust yourself

When it comes to balancing work and other parts of life the world is awash with experts. The ones that insist you need to strive for integration or blend since there’s no such thing as ’work-life balance’. The ones that blog about what works for them confident that it will also work for you. The ones that reduce the whole exercise to (choose a number) of useful tips – often along the lines of “remember to schedule regular me-time”.

I consider myself at the forefront of work-life balance experts – which is why I don’t believe in being so prescriptive.

If you have an initial consultation with me the first thing I will ask you is “how would you know if your life was in balance?” And if we have that same conversation five years later and I ask you the same question, it’s very likely your answer will be very different.

I know that work-life balance is both personal and dynamic; and there’s no “one size fits all”. Consequently both this blog and my coaching simply offer guidelines – based on academic research and practical experience – within which you can find your own route to Balanced Leadership.

So if – like me – you’re become confused by the plethora of often conflicting advice, I want to offer you some very simple guidance:

Trust yourself.

You know best whether it feels right for you to separate or integrate work and other parts of life. And you know that what feels right now may change in the future as your family circumstances and their demands on you change.

You know best how to play your various life roles. Which ones need more focus at present and where to dial down the intensity. You know you’re doing your best as you juggle through each day. Show yourself compassion and don’t let others judge you harshly.

Eminent Psychologist Bruno Bettleheim pioneered the concept of the ‘good enough parent’; while in the workplace the Pareto Principle essentially urges us to do the same.

So trust yourself to be good enough. Take five minutes of quiet time to connect with your deep inner knowing and identify what you need at this time – recognising that your needs will change as your life circumstances change. Trust that you know what works for you and stick with it. As the saying goes: “done is better than perfect”.

Being more playful

Children are a powerful reminder of the pleasure and potential of play. As we watch them try on ‘pretend’ roles and navigate relationships in team games we know they’re building future skills. Some of my most joyful memories are ones of how my son and I would play together as we walked to his pre-school.

According to play researcher Stuart Brown play not only lifts us out of the mundane but also helps us make new cognitive connections useful for our everyday lives. Through play we can learn new skills without being directly at risk.

Our human need for play is such that Brown asserts the opposite of play is not work but depression. Despite this our need for variety and challenge can get buried under an overwhelming sense of responsibility as we grow to adulthood and take on caring roles.

Women – in particular – can often feel they have little time or energy for play. Life becomes a constant juggle between work and home responsibilities. If that’s you then you may want to treat yourself to a copy of Barbara Brennan’s book ‘The Gift of Play – Why Adult Women Stop Playing And How To Start Again’. In it she describes her own journey back to “heart play” – the kind of play that speaks to your heart and soul.

Play is not only essential to recovery – a critical factor in maintaining good work-life balance – but can also be a powerful tool for reinventing our careers and ourselves.

In her book Act Like A Leader Herminia Ibarra suggests we engage in what she calls identity play as a way of exploring new possible selves and stepping into bigger leadership roles. As she explains: when we work we’re serious but when we play we meander, change course and have less purpose. When we’re playing with who we might become we’re exploring new possibilities without committing to any of them. We hold our future selves lightly and assess our options.

According to Ibarra

 

“playfulness changes your mind set from a performance focus to a learning orientation”

 

We become less stressed, more curious and more open.

Brown believes play also has improvisational potential since we’re not locked into rigid ways of doing things. This opens us to serendipity and chance; and can be a powerful asset in navigating life’s uncertainties. He says:

 

“When people are able to find that sense of play in their work, they become truly powerful figures.”

 

Will you make a little more time for play in your life? Will you focus on being a little more playful in your approach to daily tasks – both at work and at home?

As Brown says:

 

“It can be transformative.”